I’ve been sick since Friday, in
more ways than one. After some hints Thursday night, I woke up to a bad head
cold, the first I’ve had for a long time. There was no warning about the other
thing that would make me ill, I learned about that from the media reporting
from Newtown, Connecticut. New-town, such an innocuous name for horror.
This morning, Sunday, I woke up
still sick in body, as well as in heart, despite my predictions that I would be
“just fine.” Ok, I had a low grade fever, but I figured I could still make it
to church. After all, it was Christmas Music Sunday in our church, I didn’t
have to preach – a good thing as my voice would not have held up. All I had to
do was sit and listen to music, and say some prayers. I thought about calling
in sick, but I didn’t.
When I got to church, folks could
tell I wasn’t myself. “Why didn’t you stay home,” I was asked. I couldn’t
really say, I didn’t know. Just going on autopilot I guess. I didn’t really
think it was an overdeveloped sense of responsibility – though I have that. It
wasn’t that I didn’t think others could handle it in my place – I knew they
could. I knew I had the choice, and that it would probably be better if I
stayed in bed. But I didn’t – and I wasn’t sure why.
Until part way through the service and the choir sang an arrangement of “In the Bleak Midwinter."
In
the bleak midwinter,
Frosty
wind made moan,
Earth
stood hard as iron,
Water
like a stone.
Snow
had fallen snow on snow,
Snow
on snow,
In
the bleak midwinter long ago.
Our
God, Heav’n cannot hold Him
Nor
earth sustain.
Heav’n
and earth shall flee away,
When
he comes to rein.
In
the bleak midwinter,
A
stable place sufficed
The
Lord God Almighty, Jesus Christ.
. .
.
What
can I give Him,
Poor
as I am?
If
I were a shepherd
I
would bring a lamb.
If
I were a wise man,
I
would do my part.
Yet
what can I give him
Give
my heart, give, give my heart.
I thought about the midwinter winds blowing through our country since Friday. I thought about homes where children or parents wouldn't be coming home for Christmas. I thought about frozen earth and the chill of ice that no fire seems to warm. I thought about death -- in this time when we we should be celebrating new life -- how it seemed out of place in the Christmas season, in the safety of an elementary school, in the peace of small Newtown.
I came to church because I was sick – sick at heart. I was there
because I needed to be there – because of Newtown. I needed to be held close in the body of Christ. I needed to hear the
promises of our faith – that death does not get the final word, that new life
comes to us, even “in the bleak midwinters” of our lives. I needed to feel the
presence of our God who understands our pain – who cries when we cry, who feels
the chill in our souls – and to remember that we know this because our God was
once incarnated in another small child. I needed to stand with his mother who
would see her child cut down too soon, too soon. I needed to lift up my thanks
in that Spirit-filled place for the life of my own child. I needed to light a candle in the darkness.
I was there because I needed "a little Christmas, right this very minute" (thanks Mame). And if I couldn't sing "Joy to the World" with everyone else, I could look forward to the time when I would.
I
was in worship today because I needed to go to see the Christ child, and to
offer Him my heart, and my heartache. Merry Christmas – a few days early. We
need it now more than ever.
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